I Beg Your F***ing Pardon?
Posted on December 23, 2013
Although they mean well, people often say the strangest things to bereaved parents. Here’s my list of some of the best/worst I’ve heard so far. It’s a rude cathartic rant which has made me laugh whilst writing it, which is a good thing. Sometimes laughing in the face of despair is the best way of fighting it. There’s plenty of gratuitous language, so please skip it if you’re easily offended.
The grief of child loss can be so self-absorbing that it’s easy to forget that it’s also difficult for those around you. Very few people know what to say and struggle to find the right words. Occasionally they’ll say something unintentionally insensitive but they are just trying to show they care and I am grateful for it. I too have said some pretty stupid things in the past in similar situations, before I found out what it’s like to be on the receiving end.
Nevertheless, some of the comments are tragically hilarious. They have made me want to cry, laugh, hug and punch the perpetrator all at the same time. I’m going to share some of the ‘best’ of these with you, accompanied by what goes on in my head. If you recognise yourself I’m sorry but, if I can deal with losing my son, I’m sure you can handle a little bit of mickey taking.
I mean no malice and hope that other bereaved parents might find some catharsis in my humour. I apologise for the expletives, but it wouldn’t be accurate without them. Imagine Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting Ezekiel because that’s what’s happening in my head. If you’re easily offended by bad language please don’t read any further.
My Top 12
To set the scene, here’s a starter. I was at a party talking to somebody I hardly knew and hadn’t seen for a couple of years. He knew about Edward but I didn’t expect him to mention it because I know how difficult it is, especially for relative strangers. However, I’ve also learnt that it’s still better to say something upfront to get rid of the elephant in the room. As long as I keep my composure and smile a bit it helps to alleviate the tension and makes others feel more comfortable, which is important. So I did my bit and he responded with the perfectly respectable ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ routine. So far, so good. But, like so many, he found himself uncomfortable with the short silence that followed. I could tell he was desperately trying to find the right words….
#1 “Well, at least it wasn’t a surprise.”
I beg your fucking pardon?
It’s always been in my nature to make a wisecrack and an opportunity like this is almost irresistible. I want to smash it for six, preferably with the person’s head attached, but it’s not fair on someone who’s suddenly been confronted by an unexpected challenge.
Two things happen. The first is what goes on in my head and the second is what comes out of my mouth. For everyone’s sake, they need to be different. On this occasion, my head screamed “Yes, you moronic fuckwit, that made it so much fucking easier. We all have to die sometime, so why not when you’re 4 fucking years old?”
Of course I didn’t say it, because I don’t really mean it, but I find it cathartic to think it. What did I say instead? A calm and understated “Yes, well I suppose there is that,” before sinking my drink and moving on to the next poor victim.
What follows is the rest of my favourite things (not) to say to a grieving parent and my immediate reaction. Thankfully, I have not yet said any of these out loud yet, so I still have some friends.
#2: “I know it’s hard but you need to move on, and get on with your life.”
No I fucking don’t. Come back and tell me the same fucking thing if your child dies. Until then, kindly shut the fuck up.
#3: “I feel your pain.”
No you fucking don’t. Come a bit closer and I’ll gouge your fucking eyes out with my cocktail stick. Now times it by a thousand and you still won’t get close, you patronising fuckwit.
#4: “We know how you must feel. We were heartbroken when our pet dog died.”
Our child is dead, you lump of batshit. It was nothing fucking like it. At all. Fuck off.
#5: Anything that starts with “I know it’s not the same but…..”
You’re right, it’s not the fucking same so don’t fucking say it. Nothing good comes out of a sentence which starts with those words, so do us all a favour and shut the fuck up.
#6: “Are you actually doing anything to raise money in Edward’s memory rather than just asking for donations. Shouldn’t you be running a marathon or something?”
I tell you what, fuckchops, why don’t I run a marathon and you lose a child? We’ll soon see which one is fucking easier. I could climb Everest ten fucking times with the yeti on my back and lose my balls to frostbite and it would still be fucking easier. Get a fucking life. And make a fucking donation whilst you’re at it.
#7: “He’s not in any pain now.”
That’s because he’s dead, you fuckwit. That’s the fucking problem. He can’t feel a fucking thing. Do you want a badge for stating the fucking obvious?
#8: “At least you have two other children.”
Oh yes, of course. That’s why we had three, just in case we lost one. If only I’d known I would have had three more to make it even fucking easier. I’ve got so many kids I didn’t fucking notice one had died.
#9: “It’s what he would have wanted.”
He was four years old you fuck muppet. He wanted food, fun, protection and love, not world fucking peace and enlightenment.
#10: “You look great. How did you lose that weight?”
It’s called the ‘My Son’s Dead and I’ve Given Up Living Diet’. You should try it, you fat fuck.
And finally, my personal favourite. If you have said this to me and are still alive you have no idea how lucky you are. Really.
#11: “God took him for a reason.”
The fuck he did. Do you honestly expect me to be comforted by a rationale that gives Jimmy Savile eighty years and my little boy just four? Fuck off. He moves in mysterious ways, you say? Well, why don’t I set you on fire? Would that be mysterious fucking enough for you?
And finally, a pre-emptive strike against anyone who feels that the irreverence and profanity I have just used somehow diminishes my grief and despair at the loss of my child, or makes you think less of me.
#12: “We know you’re suffering, but there’s really no need to be so rude.”
Such are the thoughts that cross my mind when somebody comes up with one of these beauties.
Despite what I have just written above, I am extremely appreciative of the love and support that has been shown to us by everyone, no matter how they have expressed it. I write these words with respect and as a truthful reflection of the humour that has helped to sustain me during the saddest and most desperate period of my life. I am not judging anyone, just letting off steam. These are the humorous observations of a broken heart.
I also know how difficult it is to talk to a bereaved parent and I am grateful for any words that you have said to us. Almost anything is better than nothing, which is the worst thing you can do. Even if you say any of the above, deep down I know you mean well.
There is a picture of Edward behind my desk as I write. I often imagine that he ‘sees’ these posts, and I want him to be proud of my defiance, because that’s what this is. I refuse to be defeated, and humour is just one of my weapons.
Now please look after yourselves and your families. I mean it, from the bottom of my heart. Nothing I have written here dilutes what I have learnt from our beautiful son about love. It’s the most important thing in the world, and even if you think I’m swearing at you (I probably am), I still love you. I just have a funny way of showing it.